How to Speak Your Truth

By Noa Dar

For as long as I can remember, I have never been a confrontational person. I avoided conflict at all costs and sacrificed my happiness to prevent disputes. Over the past year or so, all that has changed. I have been making a more conscious effort to speak my truth. Reaching this level of comfort is a long and difficult road. In learning to speak my truth, I’ve gained a newfound confidence in myself and strengthened my bonds with the people I care about.

Consider a time when you withheld the truth and repressed your emotions. Instead of speaking out against the guy who hurt you, the friend who used you, or the family member who offended you, you stay silent, brood and risk an outburst of agony. Why let yourself suffer in the long run when a short term discomfort can lead to healthier relationships?

Why is it important to speak your truth?

In his book, 12 Rules For Life, Jordan Peterson uses a metaphor about controlled fires to illustrate the importance of speaking your truth. Controlled fires reduce the deadwood which would eventually fuel larger, wild forest fires. These low-intensity forest fires recycle nutrients to promote forest health. Before the practice of these controlled fires, there has been a suppression of all forest fires, which would eventually lead to catastrophic fires.

Relationships work in a similar manner. When speaking your truth, you sacrifice momentary discomfort for long term happiness. Like a controlled fire, speaking your truth may be troubling at first, but eventually, you and your friend will come out of the situation stronger. If you bottle up your feelings and stay silent, you risk an outburst of uncontrollable anger or silent suffering.

It's comfortable to remain where you are, but research shows that genes in the central nervous system turn on in new situations, which in turn code for new proteins and ultimately lead to new structures in the brain. Stagnancy prevents you from adapting. From the initial experience where you speak your truth or say "no" when you need to, it becomes much simpler to continue on that path to honesty.

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Here are three tips on how to speak your truth:

1. Discover your truth

Often, we don't even know when we're lying to ourselves. Take some time to meditate on what's sitting heavy on your heart, or what in your life could be improved. Instead of blaming the world for what is going wrong in your life, recognize areas where you can take action to alleviate adversity to promote your own well being.

2. Accept the consequences

In this situation, you have two possible options: A) you brood, grow resentful, suffer in silence, and blow up at an inopportune moment, or B) you gather your thoughts and present them in an honest, potentially upsetting but ultimately understandable manner. In option A, there is little possibility of salvaging the relationship. In option B, you create momentary discomfort, but eventually, you build stronger bonds and relationships. Recognize this option as the ideal alternative to find the courage to speak your truth.

3. Communicate your truth

This is arguably the most difficult step, as it requires action as opposed to reflection. I can sometimes gather my thoughts perfectly and when trying to address an issue, I freeze. All of the well-articulated points I planned to get across get lost from the tension of confrontation. If this sounds familiar to you, it helps to write down what you plan on saying and reading the letter to the other person. This will help you be honest in a way that puts the other individual’s feelings into consideration.

Use these tips to find the courage to speak your truth, and you’ll find that not only will you feel relieved, but others will gain respect for your honesty. If they don't, recognize that you took the responsible action to alleviate pain for yourself and the other person in the long run. If you still have doubts about putting this plan to action, check out Ali’s article, “Making a Plan,” to learn how to break this down into more manageable steps.

Once you learn to speak your truth, a wave of relief will replace the resentment burning inside of you. Your relationships will grow stronger, your confidence will flourish, and you will find peace of mind, so be courageous and speak your truth.

Works cited:
Peterson, J. B., Doidge, N., & Van Scriver, E. (2018). 12 rules for life: An antidote to chaos. Toronto: Random House Canada.